If you haven

If you haven't heard it enough this past week, "HAPPY NEW YEAR." Let's get to the business at hand and that is resolutions. I try to get two or three in the hopper and see if I can succeed at just one of them. This year let's see if we can have more of them. Have you noticed the television commercials for weight loss programs and fitness centers. I remember when fitness centers were called gyms. In Atlanta they have "personal trainers" that you pay $50 an hour to have them yell at you to "feel the burn." You will also notice the ads for various drugs and programs to help those of you who smoke, quit. When my mother quit smoking when she was about 45 or so, it was a big deal. Researchers say nicotine is as addictive as some illegal narcotics. Having never been a smoker, I admire those of you who have stopped. I made a list of things I resolve to do this year and hope by the time we drop the possum on December 31st I will have followed through with them. I resolve to take a course on time management, just as soon as I can work it into my schedule. I resolve to never cut my own hair. I will not begin to try to understand how the Internal Revenue Service operates and will let Jackie Roberts figure out how to keep me from going to Levenworth, Kansas. Resolutions include not trying to bathe any of the cats the girls have. I once tried to give Elvis the cat a bath while in the tub. The scratches cleared up in two months. I do resolve not to handle any of the buzzards that inhabit Tallapoosa this time of year. I will give up my dreams of being an tenor in the Florence Opera. Not the one in Italy, the one in Alabama. The dream of coaching in the NFL have faded over the years. I did once coach against Falcon Coach Jerry Glanville in the North/South Georgia High School All Star game and beat him, in spite of him putting Deon Sanders in the game. It shall be resolved that I will never bet on the Detroit Lions or Buffalo Bills in 2011 or anytime this century. I will not go to Machu Picchu this year. I resolve not to attend Prince William's wedding in London this April. Mother made me watch the wedding Princess Margaret to Anthony Armstrong Jones on television when I was a kid and royal weddings never had the impact on me that Mickey Mantle and the New York Yankees or Johnny Unitas and the Baltimore Colts had on me. I went to Buckingham Palace back in 1986 and watch the changing of the guard. If only we could rotate politicians the way the royals do the guards. I don't see me swimming the Ganges River this year. I will not vacation in the Sudan or go fly fishing in the Danube in 2011. It is resololved that I will not be going to concerts by the following "artists."Waka Flock Flame, Brittney Spears, 50 Cent, Gucci Mane, Pink, Nelly, Pitbull, Lil' Wayne, Eminem, Nelly, Katy Perry, T. I. or Snoop Dogg. I will go to see George Jones, Charlie Daniels, Paul McCartney, Ringo Starr, Chicago, Ray Price, Merle Haggard, and Willie Nelson if the opportunity arises. I've resolved to never eat another fried chitlin like I did in 1970 or will I try to go to a meat packing facility to see how baloney or hot dogs are made. I will not sky dive. Why jump out of a perfectly good airplane? I will not buy every product Paula Deen says I need. My resolutions include not to cry when Oprah does her last show. I resolve to keep my resolution made years ago that I will not allow Jon Stewart and the "Daily Show"to be my source of news and information. I will continue to stand and remove my hat when the Star Spangled Banner is played. I will not join the Tea Party movement. I have started my own party. Keep Economies Growing or the KEG Party that was founded over the holidays while driving through Steadman. So far, I'm the only member. I resolve to not become a vegan and will eat as much red meat as I can in 2011. I resolve to not care of Brett Farve is going to return to football or not this year. I vow to vacuum under the sofa more often. New Year's Eve I found 88 cents and Jimmy Hoffa while using the Hoover under the couch. I will do all I can in 2011 to not go to Hollywood, the one in California or the one on the west side of town.

Rhubarb Jones is a Tallapoosa native and a member of the Georgia Radio Hall of Fame and the Country Music Disc Jockey Hall of Fame. Comments are welcome at P.O. Box 1001, Tallapoosa, GA 30176 or via email at rhubarbjones@aol.com or rhubarb.jones@yahoo.com Previous columns can be found at www.tallapoosa-journal.com